Verse: the horses

(for HSF, whoever you were, wherever you are...)

in among the frayed
and yellowed record sleeves
i found your rebellion

your refutation
of your belief
in god

that you
despite your concerted effort
could not consummate

despite your
deep-seated desire to cause
great hurt to your parents

it is
you said
not human nature

to be hypocritical
sneaky or hateful
but i think you were wrong

i've always found
that was so easy
to do

it's harder
to be honest
gracious and giving

particularly when
you think there is
no one watching

i was reminded
of my own rebellion
so many years ago

that day
in november
buried in snow

i had
a moment
of great terror

a sense
of great darkness
in my soul

the sense
that my mind, my will
was not my own

and i fell
into a winterlong
abyss

so great
my discomfort
with gods and devils

unseen forces
engaged in brinkmanship
for my fate

that i decided
i would let it
all go

my will
my life
would be mine to plot

and my spirituality
would be grounded
in things i could see and touch

all of that
came flooding back
reading your goodbye

the way you blamed your parents
for what you were
i did too

it had all the finality
of a suicide note
but maybe i'm wrong

maybe when you left
you only left home
and your name behind

you got married
had kids
grew plump and bald

watched stray hair
fall into your sink
from your razor

inspected the dark
violet bruises of
sleeplessness

below your heavy
lidded eyes and wondered
how you got there

or you became a legend
if to no one else
maybe in your mind

there are many outcomes
i can attempt
for you

but they are all
imagined and
imposed

like the bridle
on a horse
i reined you in here

like some god
i gave you
a fate

when all you wanted
was what i wanted
when i was in your chaos

to be out there
and running
for nothing and no one

to be unburdened
by the world
and beyond

to be free.