tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8233423078353444236.post2953431765232037957..comments2023-10-29T02:59:25.165-07:00Comments on MrWordsWorth: Verse: RequiemMrWordsWorthhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03174426017121044737noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8233423078353444236.post-85773420140222619372009-10-07T16:09:16.252-07:002009-10-07T16:09:16.252-07:00"Who were you
before last Thursday
before Oct..."Who were you<br />before last Thursday<br />before October<br />before you walked<br />out to the parking lot<br />alone?" -- I cannot get enough of hearing this stanza in my head, I love the sly rhyme, the 'ck' sound in triplicate - it sounds delicious. On the other hand, there is a feeling of dread with that specific day, that specific month, that specific location, and then the load-bearing dreadful "alone?" on it's own - made all the more ominous with the placing of a question mark - is it alone? or is it not?<br /><br />"before the reward/before the plea/for more information/that urgent SOS?" --- Here again you have hit me with rhyme, not expecting it. "reward" and "plea" are so far off from each other that it adds to the mystery of what exactly this situation is/was. What information? I love "that urgent SOS" - the use of "that", inferring that we know exactly what has gone down - I now want to know exactly WHY you wrote this! It's a good poem if it does that.<br /><br />Aside from this the rest of it sails towards the end without mishap, but without adventure either, without beautiful skies to report. If somebody asked the sailors what had the journey back been like they would say "fair". I don't think that "unintentional/intrusion" is very poetic, though the words sound alike and gloop against each other like two kids kissing one with a mouthful of jawbreaker, it just doesn't magic anything for me. I don't think the inclusion of "before I wrote this" is necessary either, as you haven't mentioned an "I" anywhere else. "grim statistic" I do not like. Grim is fine, maybe there is a better word for it. Statistic is frequented too often as a word for someone in the news. Conversely, I actually like "nightly news" - I've never heard that before, fantastic. I also don't think you should end on "who were you?", as you have started your stanzas with "who were you..." and it doesn't feel right to suddenly add it on at the end. I do however like the inclusion of "And..." at the beginning of the last stanza.<br /><br />I also don't like "mourned", I don't like "unleashed their memories" - there are better words and phrases for this, and from what the good parts are doing to my eyes and my brain, you are very able to think of those better words and phrases. Unsure about "eulogies". I'm liking "expressed/their regrets" -- you just don't hear that in poetry and I'm liking it.<br /><br />Good one.<br /><br />PS. you made a type I thinnnnk, "before they* unleashed"????YES/NO MUSIChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04348585762768056144noreply@blogger.com